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Thursday, April 17, 2014 00:00

Dark and Horrific Sex Toys

Note: This post is not suitable for work or children.

Happy Valentines Day to my fiendish readers.  The modern Valentine’s Day originated with the February 14 Feast Day of Saint Valentine.  After Roman Emperor Claudius the Goth, ruling in the 200s AD, banned marriage and engagements in Rome to increase the number of single men available for armed service, Saint Valentine and Saint Marius continued to perform secret marriage rites.  When Valentine refused to renounce his faith, he was clubbed, stoned and finally beheaded.  I can’t think of a better metaphor for love than that brutal sacrifice.

The romantic in me couldn’t let Valentine’s Day go unobserved.  So I compiled this list of unusual sex toys that might appeal to some of you twisted freaks.  You’re welcome.

The Scandalous Skull vibrator is pretty enough to leave out on display for $21.06 from Sextoy.com

Also from Sextoy.com, the I Rub My Duckie bondage themed waterproof massager is $23.83

Divine Interventions hand crafted silicone dildos allow you to take out your horny aggression on iconic religious figures including the Grim Reaper and the Devil. $59 each.

Lovehoney's Death by Orgasm 10 Speed Scorpion Bullet Vibrator ships from the UK for £12.99. It is waterproof. "Invite a creepy crawly between the sheets and let him pince, sting and tickle you in the most terrifyingly tantalising way." The cute little bugger comes in his own coffin.

For the ultimate mindf*ck, you have to go to LoveHoney’s website to watch their Scorpion demonstration video.  Narrated by a lovely British woman with a posh accent, you’ll hear how even submerged in water the toy  is “vibrating away quite happily.”

Vampires and Zombies and Werewolves, oh my:

Tantus the Vamp Silicon Dildo Pale Shimmer "As twilight falls and the new moon rises, something shimmers in the shadows. Emerging from the darkness, this pale dildo glitters in the lunar light. Fueled by blood-sucking fantasies from books and films, fiendish fans can finally embrace a Vamp of their own. With a realistic ridged head, textured shaft and harnessable base, this alabaster bad boy is perfect for role-playing." from Goodvibes for $46.

Fleshlight's Succu Dry Vampire Sex Toy for men: "The amazingly detailed vampire mouth and fangs beg you to drive your wooden stake deep inside." You can Get Bit for $49.95

The Necronomicox Zombie Art Dildo is hand crafted out of silicone. "All it wants is your warm human flesh." 7" long with "clit stimulating arteries and textured rotting penis head" you can feel like a necrophiliac (without actually violating a corpse) for $245. And I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.

Fetish Zone's "Cerberus" K9 Sheath goes over the penis to create the illusion of a dog or werewolf penis. Customizable, it starts at $69.95. (note, this is not a condom and has a hole for excretions.)

Bad Dragon's Werewolf Dildo comes in three sizes and starts at $65.

If you’re hungry for more bizarre sextoys, check out the Scary Sextoy Fridays blog, where you’ll find some of the toys above and some that are even wilder.  Tomorrow I’ll share the Valentine’s Day Gift I bought myself.  It’s not a sextoy, but it is erotic…


One Response to “Dark and Horrific Sex Toys”

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